The Shitshow That Was The Bachelor

the-bachelor

Remember when “Juan-uary” was right around the corner and everyone was sitting on the edge of their seats, awaiting the start of what was promised to be the sexiest and most romantic run of The Bachelor in the past 17 seasons? Yeah, me too. It’s amazing how quickly something can completely implode in front of our eyes. Last night was the conclusion to Juan Pablo’s season as The Bachelor (Thank God!) and after the After The Final Rose, all of America wondered, “Is Juan Pablo the worst Bachelor ever?” My answer: “Probably, but Jake Pavelka is a hot second.”Β I found this a very difficult season to watch and I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. But now I know: He was never IN it. Pavelka at least made me feel like he was truly looking for that special one, and I believe he was, but darling(!) Vienna was NOT it. As time went on, though, I couldn’t help but feel like The Bachelor was merely hook-up central for Juan Pablo. I found myself fast-forwarding through my recorded episodes, which in past seasons was a sin, just to see who was left at the end. Because he never felt it, never connected, neither did I. Even though I thought Sean’s season was a snooze, I watched every second, including, SPOILER ALERT! Catherine and Sean’s wedding. Ultimately, this season did teach me something: If the Bachelor/Bachelorette is in it for the right reasons, then I’m all for it, because another half-assed season like this one, and the series is headed to the graveyard.Β Here are some thoughts now that this nightmare of a season has concluded.

Before America completely hated him.

Before America completely hated him.

His biggest problem was his “honesty” and his morals on how he treated these women and how he would want his daughter to be treated by a man. But then in the same breath, he found countless ways to make that woman feel like absolute crap.

Side Note: I know it’s easier to shorten his name but for the love of God, please don’t call him “J.P.” We had the one and only J.P. on Ashley Hebert’s season of The Bachelorette and it’s an insult to his name to give Juan Pablo the same moniker. Ask Ashley if she’d even touch Juan Pablo with a ten foot pole. I’m thinking the answer would be, “Hell no.” Let’s just call this idiot Pablo and continue on.

Anywho. Wow, did Clare dodge a bullet or what? I just wish that she had actually done it herself when he made that asinine comment in that helicopter. That conversation went like so, according to a “source”, a.k.a the only other person in the helicopter with Pablo and Clare, a.k.a. the pilot: Clare: “Tell me you love me.” Juan Pablo: “I really loved f*cking you.”

I. KID. YOU. NOT.

I do applaud her for finally saying what she should have said to him back during “Oceangate”. There’s nothing better than a woman telling some giant asshole to basically f*ck off on national television. And while I’m still not on the loving-Clare train, she redeemed herself a little bit for me.

In other news, Sharleen FINALLY admitted last night that he’s pretty much the worst and I like her all over again. It’s pretty hard to not have seen the light after an entire season of his douchebaggery. “Well, I’m glad I didn’t pick her.” Why? Because she’s a grown woman who finally spoke her mind and called you out? You’re right, she’s WAY too good for you. The second one of these women actually started arguing with him, he became obviously uncomfortable.

What we didn’t realize when this season began is the type of female Pablo was looking for. And Clare, Andi and Sharleen weren’t that type. Nikki keeps her mouth shut. She’s cool with the status quo. It’s sad. I mean, what about, “I like you ALOT,” made Nikki think, “Wow, this is my dream man”?

When Nikki came out by herself to talk with Chris on the hot seat last night she seemed pissed. In fact, she seemed pissed through most of the show. She looked like the cat that ate the canary the entire time they sat on that couch together. Did anyone else feel like they were trying too hard? It was as if she was the cheerleader in high school who hung on a little too tight to the quarterback of the football team, staying silent as he made a complete ass out of himself. We get it, you picked Nikki. Was there a reason that after watching this entire season, Nikki didn’t come out on that stage and say, “You’re an asshole and we’re over”? Was that really too much to ask for as a viewer? I digress.

It really was almost like he was a 5 year old, stomping his foot into the ground and saying “No daddy, I won’t go clean my room and you can’t make me [sticks out tongue].” At a certain point, it was laughable how determined he was to not give the audience anything at all. And if that’s your objective Pablo, fine; to each his own. But, you signed up for this show. You had to have known what you were getting into and if you didn’t, oh well, you still made the decision to sign on the dotted line, so deal with the fallout. One thing’s for sure, the show wasn’t hurt because Pablo wouldn’t say, “I love you.” It was Pablo whose name will forever be tarnished by this season and regardless of how he was “edited”, that sits solely on him, not the show.

Has anyone raised this possibility: that this is a cultural difference? He LITERALLY did not see anything wrong in the way he acted or the things he said. His entire family threw up red flags, so I’m not saying addtext_com_MTUzMTA5MTAwNTYthis doesn’t rest squarely on his shoulders, but maybe male/female relations are viewed differently in South America? — I’m genuinely asking here — It’s a possibility right? The way a woman feels she should be treated in a relationship in America is not a Universal truth around the globe. There are, of course, human decencies and common sense that should ring true in a man or woman’s head, but he wasn’t raised here. I’ve never lived in Venezuela, so I couldn’t possibly know how a boy is raised to treat a female in a South American home. BUT LET’S BE CLEAR, this in NO WAY has anything to do with the way he speaks the English language, which by the way, he is fluent in. So in the words of Matthew McConaughey, “Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.”

What is clear is that there are some serious relationship issues that Pablo is dealing with. Who knows where they come from, but he certainly has a problem showing emotion and expressing love or feelings. Seriously, all the power to Nikki, if she’s actually in this for the long haul but be warned: prepare to feel like a complete loser throughout your entire relationship.

I think everyone sat dazed last night when Pablo went on about some “dramatic changes” that he and Nikki were facing. I’m assuming that has to do with the fact that he was planning to sign on to do DANCING WITH THE STARS, but after his anti-gay comments, the network pulled the plug. Had he joined the show, the “in like a lot” couple would have presumably moved to L.A., but now they are making other plans… I think. Chris tried his best to get down to the nitty gritty on that one. You certainly can’t fault him for trying to piece together this mystery.

Lastly, let’s address this “in private” relationship that he believes he is going to have with Nikki now that the show is over. HA! Sean shaking his head and telling him he’s mistaken was an understatement. I mean, come on, you literally just said to every paparazzi out there, “Come get me.” And in that moment, every media platform and cameraman responded, “Challenge accepted.”

As Chris Harrison said last night, “Let’s shower that one off”… I’m absolutely ecstatic about Andi being the next Bachelorette. So for now, see you on the front page, Pablo. But seriously, “it’s okay.” Wink.

XO,
B. Marie

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Forever A Part Of Bachelor Nation

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If you know me, you know one of my obsessions is ABC’s The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad franchise. Each year I gear up, ready for the hilarious yet lame, and ultimately (after After The Final Rose) heart-breaking end to a couple I’ve fallen in love with (I’m looking at you Emily and Jef. There’s still hope for you two yet…). I am neither proud nor ashamed to say that I still remember the very first Bachelor, Alex, who paved the way for the soon-to-be 18 bachelors who have followed him, as well as nine Bachelorettes and three seasons of Bachelor Pad! The genius that is Creator/Executive Producer Mike Fleiss has continuously produced a show that, while it doesn’t always live up to the “epic season” beloved host Chris Harrison always claims it will be (I fall for it every time, Harrison.), the show continues to entertain and even inspire (thank the Jesus for Trista and Ryan, and a few others who have followed them).

Since its beginning in 2002, the entire Bachelor family, or every contestant to ever appear on each show, has acquired the moniker of “Bachelor Nation”. On any given day, you can hop on Twitter, search the term #bachelornation and you’re sure to find out the latest goings-ons of some of your favorite Bachelor babes and beauties. There are those who are loved, those who are hated, those you love to hate and even hate to love. (Michelle Money, I don’t know how you did it, but you won me over, girl!) It’s really just one big, incestuous, dysfunctional family.

While I don’t know any of these people personally and I understand the difference between stalking and being curious, my heart fell Tuesday night when I read that a favorite contestant of mine and all-around beloved sweetheart, Gia Allemand from both The Bachelor and Bachelor Pad, was reported to be in critical condition at a New Orleans hospital. Gia had kept a low profile as of late and as far as the media was concerned, all was assumed to be well. Then, on Wednesday afternoon, TMZ.com broke the news that Gia had been pronounced dead. “Wow.” That was all that could be said. And then the questions started. But while “we” were wondering what could possibly have gone so wrong, a family, a boyfriend and all those who knew her had lost this amazingly beautiful woman from their lives.

I’ll be honest when I say, watching the camaraderie that surrounds the contestants after the shows are over is a really lovely thing and only makes me want to go on the show just to have those friendships afterwards! Yes, I have a life (and friends) but there’s something about these people and the connections they’ve made that seem, I guess, special. They support each other, they laugh at (and with) one another and they travel in groups when there’s something to be celebrated. And this is one moment when that camaraderie is needed the most. Already the outpouring of support and prayers for Gia and her family have taken over social media and news sites. Today, every person associated with the franchise — even the fans — became a part of #bachelornation and as a whole, we are grieving. It really doesn’t matter if you knew her or not. What matters is that she’s in everyone’s prayers.

We may never know what caused Gia to make the decision she did, but one thing’s for sure she will be missed dearly. And while the Bachelor family isn’t always the classiest bunch, you can be sure that they’re all deciding how exactly to honor one of their own. And that, we can only hope, will be the most memorable thing they do.

Tonight you’re in my prayers, Gia. May you finally find your peace.

Look for me next season when Juan Pablo is sure to garner possibly the highest ratings of the franchise as the 18th Bachelor. Obviously, I’m the best possible candidate for the once-professional soccer hunk but alas, I’m removing myself from the competition (people, I’m kidding…) and will be blogging with my equally Bachelor/ette-obsessed Bostonian friend, L. The commentary between the two of us every Monday night is never short of belly-achingly funny, so we’ve decided to make our convos public. Sorry, we’re not sorry.

XO,
B. Marie

Is There Still Time To Decline?

The Happy Couple

The Happy Couple

Dear Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes, I know you’re bored these days and VH1, I’m sure, offered a really sweet deal for a new reality show but I have my concerns. The most important being that this might be the nail in the coffin where your marriage is concerned.

Sincerely,

B. Marie

I’m not too sure who told these two that a reality series was a good idea, but they’re out of their minds. The stability of this marriage is based on the fact that everyone has set them up to fail from day one. You don’t exactly have the best track record Eddie, and LeAnn your rep isn’t that clean either. With each having a failed marriage behind them, you can’t tell me they aren’t aware of the dreaded reality show curse. Jessica still wishes she had a VIP pass to 98 Degrees, The Gosselin’s never know which of their eight kids they’re watching this week, Britney and Kevin… I mean, tell me you remember they had that sad, sad show “Chaotic”? And I’m super bummed to point out that it looks like Khloe Kardashian and Lamar are due to be over any day now.

Rimes and Cibrian have featured their own soap opera over the past few years, between their own affair becoming public knowledge and the “rumor” of Eddie stepping out on LeAnn, while he was still married to Brandi. SHOCKER. This is the very last thing the two need. Let’s dredge up every bad bit of publicity they’ve encountered over the past four years and highlight it on national television. Eh, no hard feelings…. Riiiiight.

Ultimately, I hope these two get a clue and back out on the deal.

But on a related note, could they pop out a baby already? We need a child in the world with those genes mixed together before this marriage goes South of the Border.

XO,

B. Marie